Sunday Ponderings and Post Ideas

Another Sunday flooded with random ponderings and clouded thoughtscapes around these parts...

I admit, the ideas are half-formed at best. I blame the stretch of cold weather to come this week and the random bits of snow we've collected here in Suburbs. I might not be as winter-weary as the masses, but the darker nights are adding up, methinks. And, of course, it happens to be Sunday night which = a new week to mull over.

Shall we point form? Yes? Oh, heck yes:

• Novel I received the axe this weekend on the school schedule. Tough call, that one -- the three publishing certificate courses came with heavier workloads than I anticipated (read: one assignment per week for the online course alone.) Man, what a diverse mix of writers I've had to sacrifice, though. Profit-and-loss sheets are hijacking my time, so creative endeavors will have to be shuffled aside for the moment.
• I believe I am doomed to a one-date maximum, forevermore. Can't seem to get past the first hurdle. This time around: mismatched schedules. Nothing worse than the right person at the wrong time, hmm?
• Am pondering my position as The Only Queer in the Family again. Having a niece/nephew on the horizon has brought up issues relating to lessons for New Baby vs. my identity. I'm debating if I ought to make that the subject of a post...

On a positive note, dropping Novel I will free some time for a renewed interest in queer blogging. I have a few topics stored away, and I think it's about darn time I write 'em out, hmm?

Strange Days Lead to Strange Nights

I return -- the last crush of final assignments and panic-inducing sales conferences are finito, and I am free until January. But, last night. Oh, last night..... I can't quit you.

And by "quit you," I mean I cannot process just how events spun so off track.

Original Plans:

• Attend the last overview course, learn about scholarly publishing.
• Meet-up with all the kids from our program at 8 PM, and attend Ship Sharp's fundraising event at The Boat.

Straight-forward, right? The process was A-->B-->C, and then home again.

But no. No, no. I realize now just how much 2010 is not the Year of the Moffatt.

The Real Events:

• Drove 40 minutes to Kipling subway station to allow for a later night out. Started strolling to the underground path when I realized: Where are my keys? Imagine me pawing the window, staring at the keys nestled in the front seat cup holders.
• Called Mom so she could drive the back-up keys over. I did mention I was 40 minutes from home, right? And that I couldn't leave the car alone since the keys were so visible? And it was about -5C at that point? Did I also mention Mom has never been to the Kipling Station before? And that there are no clear signs indicating where the Kipling Station is? Did I also mention I suck at giving directions? Yep.

• Arrived downtown ten minutes late for class. Booked it across Yonge-Dundas Square where I wiped out on the pavement. And I mean wiped out. As in, four people were around me in four seconds helping me up and asking, "OHMYGOD, are you okay?!" My knee is swollen this morning.

• Ran into A and B, two girls from the program. Turns out our lecture was moved to another building, despite the fact that all night courses take place in ONE building only. None of us knew where the other room was, and a security guard offered the most confusing directions imaginable. Translation: Class is cancelled.
• Ran into K, who was also confused over the sign, but arrived later than the original group had. Decided to go to B's house to hang out before The Boat.
• Had an awesome time at B's for a few hours. Played the most cerebral version of Kings ever. Also discussed: party subs, December birthdays, how much older I am than everyone else even though I don't look it (yaaay!), how wild K's family is, how straight-laced mine is, plans for our publishing careers.

• 9 PM. B's friends still hadn't arrived. S texted B, told her he was heading out soon. Beer cut through rising nervousness, at least for a short while.
• 10 PM. B's friends arrived. No one but the publishing kids wanted to leave.
• 10:30 PM. Still trying to corral people who were at various stages of drinking/creeping sobriety. S arrived at The Boat with no one else from our program there.
• 11 PM. Managed to get people on the street. K and I were sober, everyone else was not quite. B tried to direct a crowd wandering in at least three different directions at once.
• 11:30 PM. Realized the people who said they were going to stop in at Pizza Pizza to pick up a slice were gone for 20 minutes. They sat down to eat. We were all waiting outside. Did I mention we were still on Front St. at this point? And The Boat is in Kensingtion Market area? Check out the interactive map --> here. Also, the Dundas St. W. streetcar had gone off the tracks earlier in the afternoon to add to the confusion.

• 11:45 PM. K and I split off from the group. K was exhausted, had to work the next morning at 8 AM. I had steadily lost hope for the second half of the night.
• 12:00 AM. Arrived at St. Patrick Station. Could not orient myself to the map. Realized if I made it to The Boat, I would just have to turn around to make sure I got back to Kipling Station before the trains stopped at 1:30 AM.
• 12:30 AM. Back at Kipling Station, defeated. Read a text from The Advocate asking about my whereabouts. Felt very cinematic at this point, surreal.
• 1 AM. Back home, icing my knee. Wondering how this would have looked as a bizarre, arts hauz film. Collapsed in bed.

***

In a nutshell, it was a strange night. I don't often experience strange nights like that. I felt disoriented, and not on account of the beer, either.

I had a three-hour window where the world was right.

We were all sitting around, sipping drinks, talking arrogant about the future. I was in a good place, mingling with new people who were interested in attaining the same goals as me. And the thought of connecting this new network with the established network of people from high school felt right. I was buzzing at the prospect of one artistic crowd blending with another. I'd been talking about The Boat all week, and the ladies were excited to get there and dancedancedance.

And then I watched the night unravel. I felt removed from it, oddly. I was watching the beer pounded back, I was watching the clock ticking forward, I was watching the red-and-green CN Tower lit up from B's window -- the whole scene was like a glass floor cracking under foot. I traced the lines out, and knew there wasn't a single thing I could do to stop it.

And then I knew 2011 has to be different. In all possible senses, it has to be.

The Sunday Survey: Part Three

Another Sunday evening, and another addition to the sprawling Sunday Survey here at Cute, Queer, Canadian. I worked a 7.5 hour shift chez Chapters, and I have finished the first leg of Christmas shopping for the season as well. Ohh, sweet discount on books..... what have I done all my life without you?

So, all part-time praise aside, here is the third installment of the epic survey in question. Find Parts One and Two ----> here, and ----> here.

Voilà:

The Sunday Survey: Part Three

20. Do I care too much about what others think of me?: I do tend to fret over other people's thoughts. I know it's futile considering I haven't mastered mind control yet (muahaha). Or, I should be more specific -- I have certain aspects or traits I am more sensitive about. I stress over whether people see me as successful or not, and I take great efforts to give off an air of intelligence. But then, I don't care what people think about me being queer, and I don't mind if people misread my shyness as attitude. Oh, and I tend to be sensitive about people stating, "You can live vicariously through me as I _______" -- I've had BIG issues over that one in the past.

21. Do I take offense too easily?: Oh, heck yes. I am a Sensitive Sally when it comes to glibness. I put a great deal of stress on myself, and I judge myself more harshly than I judge others. As a result, outside comments tend to hurt more because I use it to confirm some failing I perceive in myself. I know, vicious, eh?

22. What makes me happy?: A hot mug of green tea, a rich piece of chocolate, and a ridiculous episode of whatever anime I am hooked on at the moment. I also love cold, crisp winter mornings, and I love hiking in the fall. Music tends to augment my mood, so I construct soundtracks accordingly. Happiness comes from "earned stillness," for me.

23. Do I procrastinate?: YES. ONEMILLIONTIMESYES. Procrastination is an affliction at this point. I cultivated the practice in school, and it has worsened since I first left it. I even procrastinate on self-defined deadlines.

24. Do I stand up for myself?: I've gotten better at it since I entered my 20s, but I know I could develop the skill further. Consciousness about other people's thoughts tends to dampen my assertion abilities. I am making progress, though, so I need to celebrate my growth on that one.

25. Do I hold grudges?: No, not at all. Why spend energy on someone if you don't even like them in the first place? In all seriousness, a grudge drains a remarkable amount of attention and resources from your life, and I don't think I've been pissed off enough to warrant insulating my life with grudges.

26. Do I constantly dwell on the past?: I reflect a great deal on the past, and I find some aspects are hard to part with; however, I accept the actions I took or did not take, and I understand that I would act the same way even if I had the chance to re-live a moment or two. On a lighter note, I am a historian of sorts, so I do "dwell" on the past, a ha!

27. Do I let other people’s negativity affect me?: Oddly, no. I know I am a general pessimist, yet I am somehow resistant to other people's negativity....? Not sure how that one works. Perhaps two levels of negative thought cancel one another out....? If it's negativity about me, it will affect me. If the bad vibes are about other things, it tends to not take hold of me. Strange.

28. Do I forgive myself?: I find it difficult to forgive myself for certain choices or realities. I can accept them after time, but it's hard to forgive the mistakes or the inactions. I can forgive myself for petty things ("Ahh, I ate sugar when I said I wouldn't -- whatev") -- but yeah, the bigger hardships are difficult ones to move past.

29. Do I smile often?: Now, despite how bleak this survey seems, I actually do smile a lot. Folks are often shocked when I class myself as a pessimist -- ha, I am of the grinning variety. I tend to make myself laugh a lot, too, which is hilarious and disconcerting all in one. I make jokes to myself, and sometimes it takes all my power to not laugh out loud. I value wit and sharp senses of humour, so I have to make sure I practice (even if it's for an audience of ME). I noticed I don't tend to smile when I commute into Toronto even though I love taking the GO Train. Haha, it must be the whole "city attitude" thing taking effect. Haha, who knows?

The Sunday Survey: Part Two

As promised, I am forging on with the Sunday Survey (even in the face of my NaBloPoMo space-out on Friday night.... agh, the agony of forgetfulness....)

To re-cap: Endless search for NaBloPoMo material --> Discovered an old, 99-question survey buried in the archives --> Goldmine for Sunday content.

Good? Great.

Part One of the Epic Survey is right --> here.

And now:

The Sunday Survey: Part Two

10. Am I on the look out for opportunities?: I am -- if you've got leads, send 'em on over. (Ah, the passive approach to opportunism). I admit, I tend to have trouble spotting good opportunities -- or, perhaps I tend to misread situations, and I end up finding bad opportunities instead...? But yes, I like to cultivate experiences, and I like to observe the world around me, so new opportunities tend to foster those discoveries for me.

11. Do I seize opportunities?: Hmm, I think I need to work on this. I tend to balk at positive opportunities. Is it a fear of failure? Is it a fear of success, maybe? I know hesitation is a default position in me, or I tend to label it as "caution" -- I like to have ample information on me before I make a decision. Spur of the moment? What is that poppycock? I need to work on spontaneity. Or, I just need to relax and accept the fact that I just move slower than others and there ain't nothing wrong with it.

12. Am I open-minded? Am I flexible?: I tend to approach people with an open mind. New situations make me a touch nervous, especially when I'm not sure what's expected of me. Though, I tend to be a hilarious sight when it comes to culture shock which makes me a treat to travel with (I am bashful by nature, but it tends to amplify itself when I am in a social setting where I don't know the rules of proper etiquette). I also tend to roll with life, too -- I might not be one to make a group decision, but I'm willing to explore new scenes (even with a perma-blush on my shy self).

13. Am I quick to judge others?: Again, I tend to fall in favour of most people when I meet them. A person would need to treat me in a horrible manner to incur my wrath (and even then, there's not a great deal of wrath in me to dole out). I look for the best in people, and I tend to find it.

14. Do I take calculated risks?: I take calculation, without the risk. *Grin* I think I do need time to sit and mull over decisions before I would risk pursuing them. I still make bad choices at times, not gonna lie. But, when I find out it was a lame decision, I can at least articulate to myself that I made the best effort I could at the time. I get that when I think about my undergrad days -- even while I lament how I sacrificed to get excellent grades, I understand the choice, and I know I would do again even if I could go back. Ha, even though that's not a real risk, it explains my approach to the past and assessing my choices.

15. Do I give others sincere compliments?: I do -- it took me some time to build up the nerve to tell others how I felt (even close friends!), but I'm glad I was able to press past that internal censor. I find it amusing now -- when I give people compliments, I tend to state them in a matter-of-fact tone (since, you know, it's truth as far as I am concerned), and I think it throws people off....? Haha, I just don't want to mess about when someone is being awesome. All business, here.

16. Do I appreciate what others do for me?: I do, but I think I need to work on stating that appreciation more clearly. I make a pointed effort to thank people, and I make sure to look them in the eye when I say it. I think it stems from my own need to be acknowledged, so I try to make sure others feel noticed and appreciated.

17. Where do I want to go?: THE UNITED KINGDOM! I have been desperate to go since I was fourteen (though, I guess I must not be so desperate since it's ten years later, and I have yet to step down on British soil...) I realized a few months ago how most of the places I want to visit are all cold climate locales. Check it: Northern Canada, the U.K., Sweden, Norway, Russia, Northern Europe. Odd. I suppose I am a cold weather gal after all. I also want to go back to Japan. OH! And I want to go to Australia and New Zealand, too.

18. Who do I want to meet?: I want to keep meeting sweet, artistic, nerdy types who encourage me to develop myself, and who pull me out of my personal bubble to experience the world.

19. What adventures do I want to go on?: Oh, I could spend the night listing adventures. Travel adventures consist of the locations listed under Question 17. I have other journeys in mind, but those are all the cerebral, written word kind. If I can't travel to those places, then I'll invent 'em.

The Sunday Survey: Part One

While brainstorming ideas for another NaBloPoMo post, I stumbled across a rather in-depth survey squirreled away in a folder on my laptop. I had the intention to address it a number of months ago.... and then I promptly forgot about it.

Ah, but NaBloPoMo possesses the strength to dredge up all those hidden topics for the sake of daily posting quotas. What better form of filler is there than the illustrious Online Survey?

How about one drawn out for ELEVEN WEEKS OF CONTENT, WOOOOOOT?!

And these aren't run-of-the-mill questions either. No, no. We are intense here at Cute, Queer, Canadian, and we like to wax existential. I knew all those years of schooling would prove its mettle one day.

So, without further ado, I give you:

The Sunday Survey: Part One

1. What do I want?: Ooh, a question with heft to start us off. I suppose what I want most is acknowledgment. It's a recurring theme in my life -- I know we all struggle through loneliness, futility, and other stresses at times, but my quest for acknowledgment knows no limits. I tend to coast under the radar of others, and my shy tendencies keep me closed off even when I wish someone would just tell me I'm on the right track. Since 2008, I get the impression I've made mistake after mistake with almost every facet of my life -- sometimes, I wish there were someone there to tell me I've done a lot of good, too, even if I never noticed it at the time. I guess I just want to know I am doing right by myself and by the people around me.

2. What am I grateful for?: Well, from a queer perspective, I am effin' grateful for the role models I had as a young'un. From older kids at our high school to the folks I worked with at my first real job, I was surrounded by an amazing group of gay men and women who taught me that life out of the closet was possible, all when I was at the critical age of sixteen. I am also grateful for the friends I have, and for the family who accepted me without hesitation. It's a gay gal's dream, let me tell you.

3. What’s missing in my life?: I am missing self-confidence for one. I can fake it, but I wouldn't mind believing it, too. I am also lacking adventure in general. I've aged earlier than expected it seems. I need to get out and mingle more, but that whole lack of confidence thing tends to counteract my efforts. Heh, yeah, the social life is missing for the most part, but I do this to myself.

4. Do I see the whole world anew each day?: Not as often as I ought to. It's so simple to become complacent with the world, and to ignore those little moments of amazement. I need to master the whole Dead Poets' Society vibe of seizing the eff' out of the day.

5. Do I take the time to really listen to what others say?: I do -- I am an observer/thinker by nature, and I like to hear stories and launch into discussion of all sorts. I hear lesbians are pros at processing information, and I believe I live up to that hype. The best memories I have with others often involve hours worth of conversation held over mugs of tea. I imagine this will be the case well into the future.

6. Do I have fun?: Again, not as often as I should be. Bah, youth is wasted on me. Most of the time, I either drift through an unaffected fog, or I lose track of the present moment and float on waves of random thought. Fun tends to play off of a heightened awareness of one's environment and a disassociation from the passage of time itself. I tend to invert those two points, which is most likely why I am lacking fun most of the time.

7. How can I bring more joy into my life?: Ah, if I knew that, then I would have nothing to complain about, would I? I think the key to this would be greater involvement with family affairs, with friends, with community events -- the works. Keeping occupied tends to increase joy for the sheer fact it leads you to greater opportunities and distracts you from the darkness.

8. What do I want more of in my life?: I want to spend more time surrounded by other artists/writers/thinkers. I want more exploration of the local world and the world abroad. I want to collect more stories, and I want to share some of my own, too.

9. What do I want less of in my life?: Indecision. Oh, indecision is a curse -- it takes all those dreams and files down their brilliance. I've been fretful with it in the last, oh, three years, and I'd like to move on from the drama, thank you.