Blog Archive

Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts

Born this Way—Even if the Photos Lie


I know everyone and their queer aunt has landed on the Born This Way photo blog/essay in the last month now, but I wanted to toss in a thought or two on the subject for the record (since that's what us nosy bloggettes are notorious for).

Once a queer kid has taken the steps to accept herself, or to start sharing her real self to others, one of the greatest moments beyond the closet door arrives in the form of retrospection—we go back to excavate the photo albums for evidence of the baby gays we were. More often than not, we stumble across those blatant, obvious photos screaming out our proto-queerness, and we marvel over the fact our loved ones were somehow shocked when we chose to come out.

O'Neill sent me this link a few weeks ago, and I cannot stop poring over the personal stories and the adorable photos that queers across the Internet have submitted. I find it overwhelming (in the awesome sense) to see photos ranging across the twentieth-century. It's fascinating to read the accounts of queer people growing up throughout different decades among various cultural backgrounds. Despite our differences, we all share that one common experience of emerging from our own fears and insecurities to finally embrace that tiny version of ourselves from so long ago. Born This Way achieved the one goal I wished to see—a space where queer-identified people of all ages could gather, reminisce, and find our similarities despite the generation gaps.

Brilliant! Enlightenment, at last!

Of course, the next morning, I ran to the photo albums to find pictures of me in full baby dyke regalia, but—


I'll be damned.


I discovered I remembered life a lil' differently from the photos populating our albums. Most of the shots taken of Lil' Miz Moffatt were from family gatherings which meant I was decked out in full-on party dresses for the occasion. I come from a British-Scottish-Newfoundlander background, and I can tell you it's a traditional scene when it comes to gender norms. Now, of course, we've all relaxed a touch with age, but we were not exempt from formal attire as kiddies. And, having an older sister guaranteed girly hand-me-downs in the dozens…

Of course, I know assuming stereotypes tends to be more hurtful than helpful—I know of a large contingent of queer femmes who would be rightly pissed at the assumption that butch little girl = queer (and I know of some butch straight gals who would take offence to being stereotyped, too). But, when I remember the clothes I loved wearing as a child, I know for a fact it revolved around overalls and baseball tees.

So…where are those shots?

A few exist, but the overwhelming image skews me toward the opposite end of the spectrum.

Regardless of the strange absence of the everyday shots, I'll still take to skimming through the albums to get that shot of the baby dyke I was. In the meantime, I suggest you check out Born This Way if you haven't already—it's a guaranteed smile waiting to happen.

Sunday Ponderings and Post Ideas

Another Sunday flooded with random ponderings and clouded thoughtscapes around these parts...

I admit, the ideas are half-formed at best. I blame the stretch of cold weather to come this week and the random bits of snow we've collected here in Suburbs. I might not be as winter-weary as the masses, but the darker nights are adding up, methinks. And, of course, it happens to be Sunday night which = a new week to mull over.

Shall we point form? Yes? Oh, heck yes:

  • Novel I received the axe this weekend on the school schedule. Tough call, that one -- the three publishing certificate courses came with heavier workloads than I anticipated (read: one assignment per week for the online course alone.) Man, what a diverse mix of writers I've had to sacrifice, though. Profit-and-loss sheets are hijacking my time, so creative endeavors will have to be shuffled aside for the moment.
  • I believe I am doomed to a one-date maximum, forevermore. Can't seem to get past the first hurdle. This time around: mismatched schedules. Nothing worse than the right person at the wrong time, hmm?
  • Am pondering my position as The Only Queer in the Family again. Having a niece/nephew on the horizon has brought up issues relating to lessons for New Baby vs. my identity. I'm debating if I ought to make that the subject of a post...
On a positive note, dropping Novel I will free some time for a renewed interest in queer blogging. I have a few topics stored away, and I think it's about darn time I write 'em out, hmm?

2010 in Books

Right, so -- I'm still in the throes of reviewing 2010. Like a tough cold, I cannot shake it. But, this list is of the fun and bookish variety. And, since I am still in the plotting stages for a new, book-oriented blog (wheeeeee!!), I will leave these meanderings to this space.

And heck, a recommendation for a new read is top notch in my books.

I snagged this one from The Cousin's blog -- she is one of the most voracious readers I know, so I knew this survey would be a solid one.

** Note: The survey is based on books I read in 2010, not necessarily books that were published in 2010.

Check it:

1. Best Book of 2010: I'll represent for the hard science fans out there and support The Stories of Ibis by Hiroshi Yamamoto. The novel deals with some weighted philosophical issues, and manages to maintain a pro-AI stance throughout it. Impressive, and go read it now.

2. Worst Book of 2010: I will opt for Michael Winter's The Death of Donna Whalen for this honour. I question whether I can even call this fiction, even after its nomination for the Rogers' Writer's Trust Award. Winter took real court testimonies and witness accounts from a murder trial in Newfoundland.... and all he did was shift the writing perspective from first-person to third-person. How can he put his name on that and claim it as his work? Lame to the power of infinity.

3. Most Disappointing Book of 2010: I was disappointed with The Children of Men by P.D. James. I made the mistake of seeing the film first, so I thought, "YEAH -- dystopian thriller where the end of humanity comes at a crawl due to (in)fertility issues? Whoa, HIGH ACTION, WHOA!!" Nope. Not in the novel. In fact, the only readers who might like this book have been to Oxford/live in Oxford/are obsessed with Oxford.

4. Most Surprising Book (in a good way!) in 2010: I was taken with Yoshihiro Tatsumi's manga-autobiographical work, A Drifting Life. I read a number of online reviews levying horrid judgments on me for not having read this book, even though I claimed to be a manga lover. I cried and begged for forgiveness as I raided the library for their copy. And WOW -- tour-de-force. I now pass the shame to you for not reading it.

5. Book You Recommended to People Most in 2010: Remainder by Tom McCarthy. Go read it, or I'm not your friend anymore. Ha, in all seriousness, I recommended this book to anyone who talked literature with me since September 2010.

6. Best Series Discovered in 2010: Hmm, I stumbled across a number of series in 2010. Most are shoujo manga titles, and I will spare you the details. I read The Walking Dead series by Robert Kirkman (up to Book 10), and quite enjoyed it. I also found out there are a series of books based on Torchwood, and, umm.... ItotallyboughtthreecopiesandIplantobuymore.....

7. Favorite New Authors of 2010: I have a few new favourites who launched their careers in the 2009/2010 split, and I am excited to see how their work develops in the future. Mad props for Lauren Kirshner (Where We Have To Go), Sarah Selecky (This Cake is For The Party), and Dexter Palmer (The Dream of Perpetual Motion).

8. Most Hilarious Read of 2010: Ah, apologies -- I have no laugh-out-loud titles. I was reading Can Lit most of the time. We are a deeply troubled people in our literature.

9. Most Thrilling Unputdownable Book of 2010: House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski, no doubt. This book thrilled (read: terrified) the brass out of me for a solid week after I read it -- as in, I slept with the lights on for two nights, I was that scared of this novel. Despite that, I recommend folks check it out. This title was a recommendation from Ship Sharp, and DAMN -- brilliant.

10. Book You Anticipated the Most for 2010: Ha, I am still anticipating it, actually. I put a hold on Emma Donoghue's latest book, Room, back in... September? October? 20-some-odd people have dibs on it before I do, still. Paf.

11. Favorite Cover of a Book You read in 2010: I have four that jumped out at me:













Hmm, so, I like covers that are:

A) Mostly white or mostly black.
B) Blurry.
C) Spacey.




12. Most Memorable Character in 2010: I'll have to opt for the unnamed Narrator of McCarthy's Remainder. His voice is captivating, and he is entirely unreliable as a narrator (just how I like 'em).

13. Most Beautifully Written Book in 2010: I found myself drooling over most of Dexter Palmer's prose in The Dream of Perpetual Motion. I have the urge to re-read it at a slower pace so I can absorb his linguistic charm for my own work.

14. Book that had the Greatest Impact on You in 2010: Well, physically, Danielewski's House of Leaves had the most noticeable impact as it prevented me from sleeping like a normal person. Umm.... I don't know that I was moved on an intangible level, though. I mean, moved long enough to select a specific novel for this category.

15. Book You Can't Believe You Waited Until 2010 to Finally Read: Ray Bradbury's From the Dust Returned. I've had it on my shelf since the book was published in 2001. I am a fool, and Ray Bradbury should kick my ass for it.


... And, since this is a queer blog, I vote Malinda Lo's Ash as the Best Queer Read of 2010. Oh-so-sweet re-telling of Cinderella, except our lead finds herself attracted to the King's Huntress instead of the Prince. Ah, the thirteen-year-old version of me would have been all up on's.

So, please do feel free to give this survey a whirl. I love discovering what others have read, and I wouldn't mind a recommendation or two.

Miz Moffatt Tumbles into 2011

2011 -- *Sparklesglitterfireworksnoisemakers!!*

So, the calendar mentioned it was January 3rd, and I had yet to make a new update regarding the shiny new year with all the shiny new potential therein. The 2010/2011 split was one of self-projection into a better world, kids. I am looking ahead and erasing the dregs of the past. Yes, I am going to scrabble with all the mettle in me to make 2011 one hell of a lot better than 2010 was on average.

I vow this now.

Ah, such epic sentiment. I blame this on the sudden, intense craving for all the sci fi literature within a ten-mile radius. I know the last entry I made on Cute, Queer, Canadian was Dec. 17th, 2010, and I swear, the time in between was flooded with space ships and time travel and steampunk and imagined worlds, etc. etc. I was a nerd. A nerd with a sweet discount at a book store for goodness gracious.

The need subsides, and I am re-awakening to the real world, now.

So, goals -- I'm in the process of compiling a list (you know, because I never ever compile a list, right?) I re-assessed the 101 in 1001 list I made back in 2009, and I've decided to scrap it. Circumstances around me have changed, and I understand now the goals I'd assigned back then are not at all useful (for the most part) when it comes to re-structuring my current life. Most of the 101 items were generated in an attempt to fill the list in the first place. And filler is killer when coupled with a list of that nature.

The end result: RE-VAMP.

Now is the sparkly time of possibilities, and I am determined to tackle those dreams NOW. I like the idea of the 1001 days, since it gives me a bit more breathing space (and since funds will not allow me to pursue everything I'd like in 2011). But it is a start, and I always like a good send-off.

More to follow on that front, of course.

For now, I leave you with the best wishes for 2011, and a high-five all around for the queer kids and the allies in this new decade.

The Sunday Survey: Part Three

Another Sunday evening, and another addition to the sprawling Sunday Survey here at Cute, Queer, Canadian. I worked a 7.5 hour shift chez Chapters, and I have finished the first leg of Christmas shopping for the season as well. Ohh, sweet discount on books..... what have I done all my life without you?

So, all part-time praise aside, here is the third installment of the epic survey in question. Find Parts One and Two ----> here, and ----> here.

Voilà:

The Sunday Survey: Part Three

20. Do I care too much about what others think of me?: I do tend to fret over other people's thoughts. I know it's futile considering I haven't mastered mind control yet (muahaha). Or, I should be more specific -- I have certain aspects or traits I am more sensitive about. I stress over whether people see me as successful or not, and I take great efforts to give off an air of intelligence. But then, I don't care what people think about me being queer, and I don't mind if people misread my shyness as attitude. Oh, and I tend to be sensitive about people stating, "You can live vicariously through me as I _______" -- I've had BIG issues over that one in the past.

21. Do I take offense too easily?: Oh, heck yes. I am a Sensitive Sally when it comes to glibness. I put a great deal of stress on myself, and I judge myself more harshly than I judge others. As a result, outside comments tend to hurt more because I use it to confirm some failing I perceive in myself. I know, vicious, eh?

22. What makes me happy?: A hot mug of green tea, a rich piece of chocolate, and a ridiculous episode of whatever anime I am hooked on at the moment. I also love cold, crisp winter mornings, and I love hiking in the fall. Music tends to augment my mood, so I construct soundtracks accordingly. Happiness comes from "earned stillness," for me.

23. Do I procrastinate?: YES. ONEMILLIONTIMESYES. Procrastination is an affliction at this point. I cultivated the practice in school, and it has worsened since I first left it. I even procrastinate on self-defined deadlines.

24. Do I stand up for myself?: I've gotten better at it since I entered my 20s, but I know I could develop the skill further. Consciousness about other people's thoughts tends to dampen my assertion abilities. I am making progress, though, so I need to celebrate my growth on that one.

25. Do I hold grudges?: No, not at all. Why spend energy on someone if you don't even like them in the first place? In all seriousness, a grudge drains a remarkable amount of attention and resources from your life, and I don't think I've been pissed off enough to warrant insulating my life with grudges.

26. Do I constantly dwell on the past?: I reflect a great deal on the past, and I find some aspects are hard to part with; however, I accept the actions I took or did not take, and I understand that I would act the same way even if I had the chance to re-live a moment or two. On a lighter note, I am a historian of sorts, so I do "dwell" on the past, a ha!

27. Do I let other people’s negativity affect me?: Oddly, no. I know I am a general pessimist, yet I am somehow resistant to other people's negativity....? Not sure how that one works. Perhaps two levels of negative thought cancel one another out....? If it's negativity about me, it will affect me. If the bad vibes are about other things, it tends to not take hold of me. Strange.

28. Do I forgive myself?: I find it difficult to forgive myself for certain choices or realities. I can accept them after time, but it's hard to forgive the mistakes or the inactions. I can forgive myself for petty things ("Ahh, I ate sugar when I said I wouldn't -- whatev") -- but yeah, the bigger hardships are difficult ones to move past.

29. Do I smile often?: Now, despite how bleak this survey seems, I actually do smile a lot. Folks are often shocked when I class myself as a pessimist -- ha, I am of the grinning variety. I tend to make myself laugh a lot, too, which is hilarious and disconcerting all in one. I make jokes to myself, and sometimes it takes all my power to not laugh out loud. I value wit and sharp senses of humour, so I have to make sure I practice (even if it's for an audience of ME). I noticed I don't tend to smile when I commute into Toronto even though I love taking the GO Train. Haha, it must be the whole "city attitude" thing taking effect. Haha, who knows?

NaBloPo--NO!!


NO. Nonononono -- I was in bed at 12:10 AM when it hit me:

I MISSED A POST.

I MISSED A POST FOR NABLOPOMO.


.... and then I rolled over and went to sleep.


***

Serious, though -- I was so close to creating content every day this November. But, the absence last night is nothing for me to cry over. I spent the evening in Toronto with two of the three gents I lived with while I was working on my undergrad. One, I have not seen in close to a year; the other lives in Bermuda, and I have not seen him since his graduation day in June 2008. So, um, I think it was a far better evening as a result. I never thought I'd see the day where we would be sitting around reminiscing about those undergraduate years. I suppose that's how it was with high school, too -- when you start realizing how much you pour over the details of those younger years, you understand just how much the world around you has changed even if your own character/perspectives have remained the same.

It also made me realize how much more I need to get out and find adventure. The last few months have been quiet ones despite the fact I am back in school. I'm quite still, and I need to shake up the world a bit. Hmm... much to mull over.

I am thinking I ought to write a deluge of posts to make up for the rather weak content in the past seven days. Maybe that could count toward NaBloPoMo? Hmm?

The Sunday Survey: Part One

While brainstorming ideas for another NaBloPoMo post, I stumbled across a rather in-depth survey squirreled away in a folder on my laptop. I had the intention to address it a number of months ago.... and then I promptly forgot about it.

Ah, but NaBloPoMo possesses the strength to dredge up all those hidden topics for the sake of daily posting quotas. What better form of filler is there than the illustrious Online Survey?

How about one drawn out for ELEVEN WEEKS OF CONTENT, WOOOOOOT?!

And these aren't run-of-the-mill questions either. No, no. We are intense here at Cute, Queer, Canadian, and we like to wax existential. I knew all those years of schooling would prove its mettle one day.

So, without further ado, I give you:

The Sunday Survey: Part One

1. What do I want?: Ooh, a question with heft to start us off. I suppose what I want most is acknowledgment. It's a recurring theme in my life -- I know we all struggle through loneliness, futility, and other stresses at times, but my quest for acknowledgment knows no limits. I tend to coast under the radar of others, and my shy tendencies keep me closed off even when I wish someone would just tell me I'm on the right track. Since 2008, I get the impression I've made mistake after mistake with almost every facet of my life -- sometimes, I wish there were someone there to tell me I've done a lot of good, too, even if I never noticed it at the time. I guess I just want to know I am doing right by myself and by the people around me.

2. What am I grateful for?: Well, from a queer perspective, I am effin' grateful for the role models I had as a young'un. From older kids at our high school to the folks I worked with at my first real job, I was surrounded by an amazing group of gay men and women who taught me that life out of the closet was possible, all when I was at the critical age of sixteen. I am also grateful for the friends I have, and for the family who accepted me without hesitation. It's a gay gal's dream, let me tell you.

3. What’s missing in my life?: I am missing self-confidence for one. I can fake it, but I wouldn't mind believing it, too. I am also lacking adventure in general. I've aged earlier than expected it seems. I need to get out and mingle more, but that whole lack of confidence thing tends to counteract my efforts. Heh, yeah, the social life is missing for the most part, but I do this to myself.

4. Do I see the whole world anew each day?: Not as often as I ought to. It's so simple to become complacent with the world, and to ignore those little moments of amazement. I need to master the whole Dead Poets' Society vibe of seizing the eff' out of the day.

5. Do I take the time to really listen to what others say?: I do -- I am an observer/thinker by nature, and I like to hear stories and launch into discussion of all sorts. I hear lesbians are pros at processing information, and I believe I live up to that hype. The best memories I have with others often involve hours worth of conversation held over mugs of tea. I imagine this will be the case well into the future.

6. Do I have fun?: Again, not as often as I should be. Bah, youth is wasted on me. Most of the time, I either drift through an unaffected fog, or I lose track of the present moment and float on waves of random thought. Fun tends to play off of a heightened awareness of one's environment and a disassociation from the passage of time itself. I tend to invert those two points, which is most likely why I am lacking fun most of the time.

7. How can I bring more joy into my life?: Ah, if I knew that, then I would have nothing to complain about, would I? I think the key to this would be greater involvement with family affairs, with friends, with community events -- the works. Keeping occupied tends to increase joy for the sheer fact it leads you to greater opportunities and distracts you from the darkness.

8. What do I want more of in my life?: I want to spend more time surrounded by other artists/writers/thinkers. I want more exploration of the local world and the world abroad. I want to collect more stories, and I want to share some of my own, too.

9. What do I want less of in my life?: Indecision. Oh, indecision is a curse -- it takes all those dreams and files down their brilliance. I've been fretful with it in the last, oh, three years, and I'd like to move on from the drama, thank you.